Surviving Loss

Sun, 19 Apr 2026 14:47:32 -0700

“We need to talk about it, because talking about it helps us live together better.”

That quote is from Dr. Kathryn Mannix, a doctor who works with people who are dying. And families that have lost or are in the process of losing a loved one.

It was the last words I heard when the “Dying for Beginners” video ended. I probably should have watched that video in the beginning. But I found it halfway through my journey.

Sitting in a room in my sister’s house gave me a “behind enemy lines” vibe. Not just because of my dad, but also because the place I grew up, Wisconsin, is the second-worst place in the U.S in terms of corrupt law enforcement. A good percentage of Wisconsinites go to prison or jail for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

My only solace was this room. 4 walls, my backpack, and a laptop, which sat on a small table next to the bed. The laptop, a portal to another world…

Every morning, I forced myself to wake up and get ready for the day. I walked out the door, wondering who I would be when I returned. My dad, downstairs in a small room, lay on a gurney, dying. There was nothing I could do about it. The worst of it? Watching him slip in and out of dementia and sometimes being in pain became more than I could take. I started to slowly feel like that guy who was slowly losing his mind. I never felt like that in my life. Always sound of mind, a dutiful computer technician, the idea of being incapacitated by psychology never crossed my mind. I didn’t have the visions, but I had a slow, creeping feeling that I might not know who I was on the other end of this rainbow.

Each night, I returned from combat to get my mainline fix. A streaming soundscape of crystal singing bowls, enough hours for it to run until I woke the next morning to do it all over again. There were many instances of good in this journey, seeing my sister, visiting my home after 20+ years (everything was smaller than I’d remember), and visiting Chicago. Something I hadn’t done in a very long time.

But this article is about death. I’m gathering this is not a topic you usually venture into. Or at least that’s what has been said about our culture in America. I’m one of those guys who can’t take a hint because I’m autistic in this department, so bear with me some more…

There are some things I learned after I returned that may be of use to men in our culture. Especially the new generation. Well, they may have their shit together more than our generation did, but humor me for a while.

When my sister called me to let me know my dad was dying. I knew I was already going back, regardless. I didn’t quite think of it as I needed to see my dad before it’s too late, although I’m glad that became apparent after I got there. I realized I didn’t want my sister to go through all this by herself. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

So if you ever find yourself in a situation where you don’t want to do something, or rather avoid it, do it for someone else, I’m sure they will appreciate it. And if they don’t, you will. Doing hard things tends to shake up the spirit.

If you ever have to watch, or take care of a loved one and you have to travel to another location to get there, to take time out of your life, have a plan before you get there.

If you are psychically/psychologically fragile around death and dying like me, plan out your days in detail, on paper, or computer, and stick to that schedule like your life depends on it. Obviously, include time to see people who seem important to you, and even people you may want to avoid. I got together with my aunt. She’s not the avoid at all costs kind of person, but I had a hunch I should see her, not sure why, I just remember her being there for me when nobody else did.

Cultivate a state of awareness.

In my situation, I returned to a place I didn’t like, so it was easier for me. I noticed that being with my dad in the process of dying took a toll, not just my emotional well-being, but also my level of conscious awareness. I also found that dropping past grievances against others, again, like my life depending on it, was the key to being present for the people who needed me.

Face the truth. Of every situation.

In my case, my dad was dying, and there was nothing I could do about it. I could accept that and work with the situation as best I could, or fight it and disrupt my life and be a burden on others.

Treat grief like an opportunity to transform your life.

I did this by checking in with men in my support network. In the Mankind Project, we are all connected to at self of self-improvement principles. As men we share a common cultural experience. In MKP we invest time in helping each other face our fears. As such, some of us work to be careful about care-taking. We don’t hold each other’s hand. We all know that our decisions, our choices to face-up or fall, are our own. But we do ask curious questions of each other to grow our independence around showing up for ourselves. Talking to men who have this perspective, or background allowed me to go deeper into transformation.

Tips for people in your support network whom you might want to interact with.

Work on finding someone:

Who does not try to change your feelings about the situation, because they feel uncomfortable about the situation themselves. A bit of this is fine, but too much and it can start to feel like you have to be something that you are not.
Who listens to you without criticism as much as humanly possible, at least toward your thoughts and feelings about the situation. This is why I think that close friends or family are not a good idea for this role, but there are exceptions.
Who does not ask why you feel or think a certain way. You don’t need to be fixed or judged for who you are, or where you’re at.
Who does not advise unless you are asking for it. Giving advice about your grief situation cuts you off from what you are going through and can lead to resentment and anger toward yourself or the person.
Who does not volunteer their story. This is a tricky one. Unless the person is a therapist, most people want you to know that they understand what you are going through, and there might be an involuntary want/need for them to relate by sharing a personal story during a conversation. IMHO, a poorly timed story from someone that is trying to relate to you can be a detriment to your emotional well-being. It takes the focus off of your journey and puts it on to them. It’s a nice distraction, but the whole goal of leaning on people to support you is about going through your stuff and having them support you. Avoidance has many in-roads.

You will get through this. Just keep surrendering to what is happening (When appropriate) and remember to thank the people who help you through all of this. One day, you might be helping them.

It’s been about eight months since I lost my dad. I’m doing good. I still miss him more than I realized I would. But I feel more alive because I embraced that moment in my life. I guess I am doing all the stuff that they say people do when we lost family. I’m trying to honor him. He taught me some great lessons about life. I’m finding that life is short, so I am doing all those projects I have been putting off.

Find something that you’ve been putting off and go do it :D

Dying on Scott Larson

Surviving Loss